Talks

I Believe in Rav Laitman

Recollections of Feiga Ashlag, the Widow of the Late Rav Baruch Ashlag
May 2005

After Baal HaSulam left this world, Rav Baruch Ashlag always stressed that if the righteous man leaves and his students are not upset, forget what a great person was with them, they lose everything that they once received from their Teacher.

When Rav Baruch passed away, we were devastated and started to realize how many opportunities we let slip away while he was with us. We felt the weight of missed opportunities for a long time. Rav Laitman also only started to recover after two years.

During that time, he did not look for any outlets; did not try to get published. Essentially, I encouraged him to do that. I don't know why. But, in my opinion, I simply wanted him to start giving lectures so that I could listen. Why did I think that I would listen to his lessons and not to the lessons of Rav Baruch? It just seemed to me that Rav Laitman conveys the material in a very interesting manner. I liked listening to him, and I convinced a few others to also.

He did not want any of this. I used to come to him and say: "Rav so and so is selling his tapes. Why don't you record some tapes as well?" And so we started putting out flyers and inviting the public to lectures. Initially, three people showed up then five and six. and that is how it began. Little by little, after two or three years of giving all these lectures in Tel Aviv, Rav Laitman put a group together and started teaching them.

Afterwards, everything evolved very rapidly. Since Rav Laitman consciously took upon himself certain ordeals, he came out in a certain light, and some of those who came started having doubts.

People believe that a Rav is someone who has to behave and look a certain way. There is an expected standard, and Rav Laitman did not fit into this. It was as if he consciously violated certain conventional norms; externally, he did not try to look like a saint or righteous man. He was even more of an ordinary man than Rebbe. Rav Baruch used to at least dress in his religious-looking attire. Meanwhile, Rav Laitman came out into the public as a simple, relatively young person (he was forty five). These guys had to accept him as their Teacher, their Rav. They did, but there was a point when they started having big doubts.

Once I told a few of them: "Everything is in your hands. If you let Rav Laitman go now, you will let your desire for the spiritual slip away, and you will not be able to increase it! Afterwards there will be no one around to receive it from. You will have nothing! Now, you just have a complete faith that everything is in the hands of Rav Laitman, that he has something to say. Everything else is the exterior! This doubt that you have is probably given to you on purpose!" I remember this from Rav Baruch. He used to do similar things to his students to deliberately try to lessen their homage to him. "Disregard what appears on the surface! Focus on the heart of the issue - Rav Laitman holds the strings to the spiritual!"

The Lord heard my prayers. A group formed which managed to hold Rav Laitman from quitting teaching all altogether. Every person, regardless of his or her level, has to feel that he is needed. Without this demand he can neither grow, nor convey or create anything (a new language, for example). So it follows that one should look where to take these demands from.

This is how, many years ago, a dangerous moment passed whereby students did not understand that the Teacher's external behavior does not have to be consistent with his internal potential, and moreover, his potential completely depends on the demands of his disciples. They, as children who plea with their parents, evoke their parents' ascent who can, in turn, give back to their children even more.

This "demand" was built very slowly. I remember once, back in 1994, Rav Laitman invited me for a walk. We were walking in a forest where Rav Baruch used to walk, and Rav Laitman told me through tears: "How can it be? It is said that in 1995 this already has to reach the masses, while I have just twenty guys?"

And suddenly, exactly in 1995, came a wave of genuine interest. Today this group holds the hopes of everyone, that it will make an unprecedented breakthrough and compel Rav Laitman to dig within himself even more. Fourteen years have passed after Rebbe left. There is no need to wait another six years, as Rabash did after Baal HaSulam's death. People have to examine themselves and find the questions, the demands for the Creator. Today, the world needs the Creator's light! The knowledge has been passed through Rav Laitman to us and we have to receive that light, that which Baal HaSulam talked about. And this light can only be received through a living person.

Thus, we should first always ask for Rav Laitman to stay healthy so that he has the strength to resist all sorts of hardships. Secondly, we have to create the demand for the Creator within ourselves, to not simply be content with knowing that everything is already written in the books. Rav Laitman has to be given a possibility to complete his work and pass us the confidence that we can be delivered. But we have to act fast! Time compels us.

Question: You are saying now that the group means almost everything?

Well, not just a group. This has to be the group where each person, deep in the hiding places of his "I", somewhere in the silence of his "home", knows that he wants to bring his soul to correction.

I repeat: In my opinion, it is very good if there is a group where everyone just studies and keeps themselves interested. But what I'm talking about does not even have to be a group. Even one person of such a level who would develop such a great desire could work! The group is very important. But I want to say that what really matters is what each person in the group demands inside of himself.

There is a credo: circulation. It is clear that circulation saves the situation in Israel, and maybe even ensures its survival. Outwardly directed circulation will lead Israel to the point when its inner part will actively engage in this process. However each person inside himself must create his or her own inner need, inner question. He has to work in relation to his own soul. And this is what he has to pass on.

Question: Do we call this "intention"?

Intention, yes. But I want to say that one has to find his demand, the point where he has a dispute with the Creator. In fact, all of us have the same problem - weakness of faith. Faith is the connection with the Creator. This contact is still quite weak.

Over three years, I kept asking Rav Baruch Shalom: "How can one reach love for the Creator?" I was sincere in my question. He used to answer me: "This is a reward. One should work for free, and reward will come."

I think that the inner point of each person plays a very important role. Each person, somewhere in silence, has to find time for his personal aspiration. This could happen during a simple conversation. If this demand is present inside him, the demand to the Rav, to the Creator, then Rav Laitman will pick it up.

Study and circulation is not everything. One must also add individual aspiration; that which Baal HaSulam means by saying "Know the Conditions of Living in the Last Generation." One should think about what he needs in order to be like Moshe Rabeinu.

Through your group, Rav Laitman absorbs the needs of the entire world. Inside this group there must be at least ten people holding the ultimate demand. They will be ready to give all their soul, individuality and possessions, and Rav Laitman will pick it up, do his work, and pass on the flow of confidence which is called "faith".

Question: Feiga, where is your faith in Rav Laitman coming from?

I will be very honest with you - there simply is no choice. For instance, I have taught women for fifteen years. Rav Baruch Shalom gave me a permission to teach while he was still alive. Now there is a group, many talented guys, gifted lecturers, translators, and teachers. Young people understand this much better.

However, at the same time, I need my people to survive. I need my children and grandchildren not to live through the atom bomb. I need us to avoid physical and spiritual suppression. I need to believe that there is a group of people who are fighting for survival of our country in both material and spiritual aspects. By saying "country" I mean the survival of Israel and all of humanity.

If there was no mass circulation of the authentic science of Kabbalah, its inner part, the finest details that suit beginners, and if none of this existed at a group level, I would be sad and frightened, thinking "Who will take this upon themselves?"

Could we wait for someone instead of Rav Laitman? It is preferable to utilize someone who is directly connected with the entire chain of Kabbalists from ancient times until today. This simply comes out of hopelessness! I saw that Rav Baruch cared deeply about passing everything to his disciple. I tie these two things together and see that the next on this chain is Rav Laitman.

For many years, I maybe would not have emphasized this so much. This is because I used to think that this will take decades. There are other people who also do a lot. But I see now that we are speaking specifically about the survival of each soul and humanity in general.

Baal HaSulam stressed this. Today we already hear about horrible things that are waiting for us if we do not take the inner part of the Torah and the world's governance into our hands, if we do not provide the world with the attainment of the Goal. And into what hands should we pass ourselves if we lack the knowledge of the laws or properties of the Upper?

Knowledge in itself means nothing. Knowledge of how to reach the full degree of faith and the changing of one's "I", love for the neighbor; this can all be transferred to us through Rav Laitman. If your group forces him into that by its genuine desire, then this knowledge will become revealed. I have dreamt about this for a long time.

Question: It is interesting: ARI passed everything only to Chaim Vital, Rav Baruch, practically, only to Rav Laitman.

...Baal HaSulam, only to Rav Baruch Shalom, and Baruch Shalom, only to Rav Laitman.

Although on the surface, another former student of Rav Baruch, Rav Miller, is now printing books and circulating. But we are talking about the inner essence, about that which Rav Laitman received in special first-hand contact. This is what really needs to be passed on. It is amazing how it is all happening in one generation, so quickly. This indicates that the coming times will change even faster.

Our task is to ensure that Rav Laitman will pick up your demands for the highest possible degree in the individual soul so that it reaches its maturity.

Baal HaSulam stressed that the inner part of the Torah, the science of Kabbalah, is intended not for the development or service of society, but for each individual's correction of his soul. A correct development of society will come as a consequence to this.

Question: Feiga, how strict was Rav Baruch towards Rav Laitman?

Well, basically, he used to shout at Rav Laitman and at Rav Miller. He transmitted everything through both of them, and shouting at them was a part of this. In private, however, he was unable to be hard on him.

Rav Baruch also had a very difficult character. It is common to think that a righteous man is a soft and nice person. But then we hear how it was impossible to stand next to ARI, about how difficult a person Baal HaSulam was, and Rav Baruch was like a bull, eagle, lion, and human being fused into one. And then there's Rav Laitman with his unbearable, impatient character.

Rav Baruch treated him like a son. But this was when they were alone. He loved Rav Laitman very deeply. I do not recall him ever discussing him. Never!

He used to tell me a lot about some people, and less about others. But he never spoke to me about Rav Laitman, because the disciple became a part of him. And one never talks about himself!

Question: Is there a part of Rebbe in Rav Laitman?

Yes, I think that Rav Laitman completely imbued his teacher. Such are the goals of the Upper Providence.

Question: Sometimes it seems that Rav Laitman's appearance resembles.

Yes, he gradually starts looking like Rebbe. You are young people! You will see Rav Laitman when he turns eighty four! They will really resemble each other (laughter), completely.

Yet, bear in mind that after one turns sixty, a person is granted. I mean, a great person, who has what to give and whom to give it to, who himself received from someone who was able to give. So, the days of such person's life are extended exclusively depending on the need for it. It follows that his spiritual life and spiritual progression depends on your needs. Preferably these should not be material needs (I refer to accumulation of knowledge). These should be purely spiritual needs that relate to one's own personal correction. This is missing. And perhaps now we should focus on this.

Question: My next question is slightly historical in character. When Rav passed away.

It happened early morning. A month prior to that, Rav Baruch started to feel rather bad. Earlier, he used to show me: "Look, I can run up and down the stairs." Baal HaSulam suffered from severe rheumatism. And he died quite young, at the age of "sixty plus". All of Rav Baruch Shalom's brothers died around the age of sixty. The oldest son of Baal HaSulam, Rav Baruch Shalom, was kept by our side until he was eighty five.

Rav Laitman used to do physical exercises and go to the sauna with him. It is extremely hard for a big Rav to allow his disciple care for him. Meanwhile, a disciple does not always recognize how important it is. It was very hard for me to serve Rav Baruch even a cup of tea.

And all of a sudden the decline began. During that month, everybody came with their own problems and diseases, and it was somehow a very difficult month. Rav Laitman called our doctor and we checked Rav Baruch's health. We were told he was fine.

It was the New Year. Rav Laitman came up and told me: "Maybe we should ask Rav Baruch not to pray in front of the crowd of students and Chassids? He is in a very bad condition." But Rav Baruch continued his lessons, and did things as usual.

In his last week, he recited the prayer for the New Month with his blood pressure 60 to 40. Suddenly, Rebbe lay down while leading a prayer. This is a long prayer and consumes a lot of energy. Then, Rav Baruch came to have a meal. He only took a few bites in five minutes, and then read the second prayer. At that point we clearly saw that he was absolutely exhausted. Then Rav Laitman convinced him: "Still, maybe you should stay in the hospital?"

He was very reluctant. After we decided that he should stay in the hospital, he got very upset. But, as you know, he had to carry out the decision of disciples and close family members. We told him: "This is what you should do," and so he did it. In all corporeal matters he as though gave us, wife and student which he saw as a son, a concession.

We brought him to the hospital and they asked him: "Where do you feel pain?" He answered: "Nowhere. They say that I better lay down." They did EKG, and put him on the monitor. The doctor said: "He needs to stay in a bed for a day or two. Nothing special, just to stay in bed." For them, he was simply an old person.

Ward neighbors later told us that at five in the morning, on the day he left this world, he got up and helped other patients. At 5:30am they did EKG. Everything was still fine. Ten to six Rav Laitman was already by his bed, although he was supposed to come later. Visiting hours started at six. He had climbed over the fence and somehow managed to get to the ward before the visiting hours.

I walked in at five to six, also by chance. By then, Rav started losing his heartbeat, and it happened specifically during those ten minutes. Rav Laitman was still holding his hand. Rav Baruch turned to him and managed to utter something, only to him. The heartbeat disappeared. He left suddenly, in the course of ten minutes, holding the hand of Rav Laitman; silently, peacefully, without pain.

I used to ask Rav Baruch: "Can a righteous man be out of his mind? Can he have confusing thoughts?" He always said: "The real seer is never given confusing thoughts and never brought into the state of insanity." I used to ask him as a psychiatrist. He told me: "Precision of thought and clarity of mind are preserved in a real person until the end. Otherwise, he would cease to exist at once."

Question: What did Rav Laitman do afterwards?

I kept my eye on everything. Of course, it was something! Although I don't think that it was more than Rav Baruch had to go through after the death of Baal HaSulam. Rav Laitman must have passed through this process unconsciously.

This was a process that the Creator put him though so that he would come to a certain perception, completion, and liberation. I do not consider that he himself did it - he went through this upon command of the Upper Providence. I believe he also has the same opinion. Something was happening with him. From outside, it looked a bit strange.

He could have assumed a standard "big person" pose and have had people lining up to see him. He had the capability to do this easily and literally within a week. All the public wants is some kind of external cover. Rav Laitman has a presence. He has a penetrating voice and was a well-known healer. If he wanted to, he could have had crowds coming to him.

But he did nothing of the kind. On the contrary, Rav Laitman did everything to show that he was like everybody else. He purposefully presented himself as an ordinary, weak, regular man.

Question: So in other words he repudiated all who longed for the external and attracted those who.

Maybe you could say so. I'm telling you that even I did not fully realize this. I knew that he came into that state consciously to get rid of that which calls forth the external husks of respect, honor, and the ability to bow before something expected.

Rav Laitman was, is, and will be guided by the Upper Providence for the purposes of bringing the world to completion, correction, and going beyond the boundaries of time and space. And, I think, even he himself does not always know what he is doing.

I will tell you from my personal experience that I owe Rav Laitman absolutely everything. I came to understand that all the negative things I ever received from him in the form of remarks, or, at times, his sudden and complete negligence and, I would even say, disdain of me, eventually led to me giving up this husk more and more.

I'm thankful to Rav Laitman for helping me give up this external, husky aspiration to honor, and for setting an example of having a scornful attitude towards everything external. There were all these little things in me that I wasn't aware of, that greatly impeded the spiritual work.

It is very hard to remain simple, naïve, and free of any husk. What a combing-out! Rav Laitman is a real master in this respect. I felt it to the fullest "on my own skin". And I'm grateful for each lesson.

It is, however, painful when it happens. Sometimes I would come home and say to myself: "I don't want to live anymore. I don't understand why Rav Laitman treats me this way." But later, I would be so happy about it! So he obviously knows what he is doing.

Now all of that is perceived with more awareness, understanding and deeper analysis. And it becomes even harder: you have to search for this inner part which you are not able to grasp, and "give" it to Rav. This work has to be done against egoistical perceptions and understanding.

There always has to be some novelty. Rav Baruch always stressed: "Until it is still new, until it is still new! Until something is still new!" We have to utilize this element of novelty all the time. This is how the Upper Providence works: in a single moment that which was new becomes old, and time itself accelerates.

Question: What does "new" mean?

The spiritual search always has to contain novelty. I'm not referring to new ways of working and updating the physical appearance of material. Technically, there will be lasers, holograms, or something else.

People have to renew within themselves! Rav then picks up this novelty. Here lies a great difficulty; for each person to never stop internally, to really desire and ceaselessly maintain their individual work! This is how it seems to me.

I cannot tell lies. Two years ago I would not have been able to say things like that. I held a grudge against Rav Laitman. Not in relation to his behavior. I realized that he behaved a certain way in order to convey the knowledge, to attract students - it was obvious. But it seemed to me that he did not promote the name of Rav Baruch Shalom enough. In purely nominal terms, it seemed to me that the name of Rav Baruch had to show up more. I now understand that it was not yet the right time. And now look, the time has come and Rav Baruch is the first question on the agenda. Everything in its own time.

There is no doubt that the general public grasps Baal HaSulam a lot quicker. And how well do people understand Rambam! And how perfectly does everybody understand Ari and Rashbi! The less they understand, the more convinced they are that they do. Meanwhile, to understand Rabash one has to be at a certain level or to have complete belief in the wisdom. This will stem from the root of one's soul. And now there are already hundreds of people who are able to grasp Rav Baruch Shalom. These people, likewise, will have a greater need in Rav Laitman as well. They will come and take from Rav Laitman what's needed.

Question: Rav Laitman's Hebrew is now better than Rav Baruch's?

Of course! He has an excellent, correct Hebrew! It is more contemporary and much better than the Hebrew of Rav Baruch Shalom. Basically, it is the same language, but slightly cleaner and, naturally, more modern. Rav Baruch implied that we knew what "desire to bestow" is, and so he talked about different things, while to us it seemed as though he repeated the same things. And when explanation includes not just the phrase itself but an explanation of the meaning of the words and their definitions, the infinite depths of new meaning unfolds. Rav Laitman does this in his commentaries: he explains what he really has in mind.

Question: Feiga, how did the rest of the Rav Baruch's disciples relate to Rav Laitman?

When Rav Laitman served Rebbe and used to come home with him? I think people had different attitudes. But there was no choice. He passed on, conveyed everything through him. Before that, everything happened in a different manner - in a standard, Chassidic fashion.

Moreover, there were people whom he brought in. He brought all of them, he nursed them. I was moving to Rav Baruch Ashlag's, and saw Rav Laitman dragging a mini-fridge on his back. I asked him: "What, nobody else could do this?" "No. He needs a fridge." Rav Laitman did absolutely everything for these forty people. And he reported about all of them to Rebbe. So, he was in a way a connecting-link. Everybody related to him as, probably, one of the oddities of Rav Baruch. They, in fact, should have been grateful, but they only saw the surface.

Rav Laitman started giving up the external Chassidic attributes on the behavioral level, and this is what they saw. They did not understand what to do with this: sit quietly, leave, stay there? They were helpless, because they lived and received everything from Rav Baruch. Rav Baruch took them, and used them for the development and description of the method. And then he was not able to give them anything else, and basically, left them.

Question: So essentially they took all the energy from Rav Baruch?

Yes, he, bluntly speaking, just used his students. But this is great! As they say, the most important thing is whose hands you are in. He took them, did what was needed, then left them on their own. If you are able to ascend, go for it. If not, then for now this is enough.

Thus, these disciples saw a slight discrepancy in the path. Rav Baruch Shalom always stressed that there is no need for outwardly-directed movement. They interpreted this in their own manner: one has to observe external details. Many of them thus enrobed themselves in the most orthodox garments.

Working on his last article, Rav Baruch said: "I will write to them about the clothing: if one is not engaged in the inner work, one should at least keep oneself within external limits." This was the last thing he told them.

And also, in the last week of his life Rav Baruch sang all the time: "My heart overfloweth with godly matter. My work is concerning a king" (Psalm 45). He sang this for some reason.

In general, he was an excellent singer and studied singing. He was an excellent cantor and sang the melodies of Baal HaSulam. Rav Laitman, during his first years with Rav Baruch, used to drive him to the singing-master. When they went with Rav Laitman to Tiberias, Rav Laitman used to drive and Rav Baruch used to sing, exercising his vocal chords. Rav Laitman received so much by accompanying him during these trips. He used to ask very tricky questions. And Rav Baruch always told him: "Since you still do not understand anything, I can tell you a lot." And then he would answer him at all levels.

And so that group, I would say, did not go up to the mark. However, I respect them a lot, and I love them very much, each one of them. They went through a lot. I feel sorry that they are not here with Rav Laitman. It is really a pity.