Talks

Do Not Repeat the Mistakes!

Recollections of Feiga Ashlag, the Widow of the Late Rav Baruch Ashlag
May 2005

Rav Michael Laitman: Rabbanit Feiga Ashlag and I decided to arrange a little evening of reminiscences. We wanted to let those who are interested what we witnessed ten to fifteen years ago, and how we see today's world, the world Kabbalah has been recently penetrating with such a might.

I think that my Rav's wife will tell you many very interesting, necessary, and useful things that might benefit our generation as well as generations to come. Let us delve into the past.

Question: What do you remember the most? How did you find us?

Feiga Ashlag: How did I find Rav and you? You and Rav? To tell you the truth, events developed as follows. I was searching for the truth, for the Creator all of my life. I believed that the soul is immortal. There was no doubt in my mind that the human "I" only accumulates and never ends.

I graduated from the Medical Institute. I wanted to become a psychologist, know the structure of the brain and how to control our "I". I did not want to be carried through my whole life like a splinter. I even wrote a poem about this. This goal of mine, this search, brought me to the science about personality.

I was a good psychologist, had a villa in Cesaria, frequented theater, ballet and everything was as it "ought to be". Then, at the age of forty I began to feel a terrible emptiness. I did not even suspect such a feeling existed. I only heard about it from my patients.

One day I found a scrap of paper that I had kept since my arrival to Israel ten years ago. It had written on it the address of a Kabbalah seminar. I started taking an interest in Kabbalah.

One hour of a Kabbalah lecture was my life! Any girl that sat next to me at the lecture became dearer to me than my closest friends. "How can this be?" I wondered to myself. It was closeness in spirit. I started understanding that people are close to each other through their shared beliefs and aspirations, not through their family connections.

This was strange. I didn't utter a word to that girl yet I felt that I was at my place. In contrast, with my close ties, both in Cesaria, and at the ballet, in the "high society" that I belonged to, I felt lonely, like I was wearing a mask.

Once during a lesson I heard about Rabbi Akiva and said to myself: "This is a person who is smarter than you." It marked a point of my resignation. I submitted to the realization that in order to correspond to that ideal, which was basically to become like Rabbi Akiva, I have to study and take upon myself certain responsibilities. My demands back then were no less than that.

Unless this point appears in a person, he or she, in my opinion, will always feel smarter and better than everybody else, and, in general, that he is the only one in the world. We have to place someone above ourselves. In my case, it was Rabbi Akiva. After that, I started to do "Netilat Yadaim" (washing of hands). Rabbi Akiva used to do it, and so I followed notwithstanding anything. I continued this for many years, to this very day.

Afterwards, I and my daughter attended the teaching seminar. It was a very interesting learning experience in the orthodox setting. We were quite content. But a year later I and my children started getting interested in something completely different.

By the way, my daughter came to this by herself as well. Having all the opportunities to stay in Canada or Paris, to take a direction in art, she all of a sudden reached a decision: "I want to know what the purpose of our lives is!" I had absolutely no influence upon this. On the contrary, I tried to keep away, so as to not exert any pressure upon her. She came to this by herself. My little son also unexpectedly told us he wanted to be a Chassid. We had never even heard of this word before!

All of this began when we got a hold of Rav Laitman's book "The Secret Teaching of Kabbalah". This was the first book that, as I discovered later, Rav Baruch Ashlag allowed and even ordered Rav Laitman, his personal disciple, to write. To write this book, he studied with Rav Laitman for a long time. Rav Laitman made recordings in Russian of everything he received during one year of studies in order to write this book.

Rav Baruch compelled him to circulate this book. I was present when this happened, and heard how he necessitated this: "Deliver it to all the libraries! Mail it!" Rav Laitman published the book, printed it himself, and used to deliver it by car.

I took a hold of this book by accident, while trying to choose an environment for myself. I already started to understand. Why did I start to understand? It is because we read in Tehilim (Psalms) "Moshav Leicim" ("Do not sit among the empty"), what it means in the Gaon of Vilna's interpretation: "Do not sit among the students of the Torah who do not desire to correct themselves through it."

I began looking for the most appropriate environment for my development, as if unconsciously.

I visited the religious centers of various orthodox schools. I traveled around the country to explore various trends of Judaism. This is how I found myself in Safed, where I came upon a woman who was reading Rav Laitman's book. She gave it to me and I with Arina (my daughter) started reading it. All of a sudden we realized that is what we want to live in. This book simply turned my life upside down. As a result, thanks to this book, as if following it, in a year we found ourselves in Bnei Brak.

Once I brought a woman to Rav Laitman for healing. There were rumors that he helps the sick. We did not know exactly how. She just asked me to bring her to him. Rav Laitman listened to her and afterwards asked me: "And you, lady, what do you want?"

I answered: "Tomorrow is Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement) and I am 'naked and have nothing.'" There is a parable about King David who came to the bathhouse and suddenly saw that he is "naked of all good deeds". After active studies at the Kabbalah Institute and quite serious study at the seminars with the Orthodox, I also felt that I was "naked of all good deeds".

Rav Laitman invited us to Yom Kippur and told us: "Afterwards, we are going to commemorate Baal HaSulam's death." I arrived with my two children. It was very interesting at Rav Laitman's during the festive meal, on the eve of Yom Kippur. We were invited to pray at the synagogue of Rabash. In the evening, there was a festive meal in memory of Baal HaSulam. Suddenly, there was a commotion. Rav Laitman came up to me and simply said: "Here is a groom." Meaning, a groom for my daughter. I said to him: "A groom for a seventeen-and-a-half year old?"

I returned home to Jerusalem after Yom Kippur, knowing that, essentially, my daughter has a fiancée. The girl was seventeen and a half, she only just accepted a religious lifestyle and joined a religious educational institution. So we still had big doubts.

But Rav Laitman called in a few days and told me: "You are a grown-up woman. You have to decide for your daughter." I called her and said: "Go to Rav Laitman's house, it's urgent. He wants to see you."

At the time, she had a choice between two very interesting young men: a distinguished Yeshiva student, and an American. Meanwhile, at Rav Laitman's she met a young man whom he introduced to her and praised a lot. He was a young Kabbalist, Rav Baruch's student, whom he allowed to study although he was not married yet. This was an amazing case. And he was really a good fellow. What's interesting, Rebbe instructed Rav Laitman how to talk to us so that we wouldn't ask questions. I made no inquiries about the groom's age, parents or trade. I don't know how this happened, for I'm so meticulous and critical.

Meanwhile, my daughter decided: "He is ours." She had been reading Rav Laitman's book for a year by then, and her spiritual interests were already concentrated around understanding the inner part of the Torah that we had been discussing and looking for.

And so, essentially, everything was decided in one evening. Nobody told me that I have to quit my job in Jerusalem and move. The only change that occurred was that my daughter found her future husband, and he seemed to be a good man.

In the meantime, Rav Baruch Shalom Ashlag and Rav Laitman regularly went to Tiberias for a few days every week or at least once every two weeks. Rabbanit Yohevet, the wife of Rav Baruch, had been paralyzed for six years. She went through a lot in life, and even when she got very sick, she handled it very well. She was a noble woman.

These trips of Rav Baruch and Rav Laitman created some difficulties, as a paralyzed Rabbanit was left alone. Rav Baruch couldn't ask his daughters to take care of her all the time. In general, he did not like asking for favors. If he did, then afterwards, he felt very indebted.

For a long time, Rebbe and Rav Laitman wanted to find a woman who could take care of Rabbanit. I was completely unaware of this, but one day suddenly came to a decision: "I want to leave psychiatry and do something for a great wise man." Rav Laitman immediately called Rabash and asked for permission to take me to visit him. We arrived and I sat there not understanding a thing, while they decided everything for me. Within a month my life completely changed. I entered this new environment of Chassidim meetings, festive meals.

We (I, my daughter and my little son) without knowing what was going on were suddenly in the place where everything, as it seemed, had to be clean and nice. Instead, there were huge tables, people ate, drank a lot. They wiped their hands on the tablecloths.

Nevertheless, there was always a very clear order, even in the early days. Everything ran very smoothly, according to a set plan. When Rav spoke there had to be silence. But still, these Chassidic festive meals were very peculiar. Later, I got so used to them that I could not go back to eating at any restaurant.

In a month, my daughter had her wedding. It was a very joyful event. Some people thought I was crazy. Kabbalah was a scary word back in those days. All Rabbis from my past were telling me: "You are committing a dreadful act!" However, after they came to the wedding, they really enjoyed it. They saw Rav Baruch and merriment, as well as people who studied Kabbalah - the inner part of the Torah. Rav Baruch always hid himself, and he took no part in any public discussions. He hid himself from Rabbis as well.

Rabbis of very high levels used to come to him, but he would not even invite them into his room. They used to stand in front of his house. He would tell them "thanks" but would not let them in. I don't know why, but I remember that this is how it was. He did not let anyone into his house. The exception was Rav Laitman. He allowed Rav Laitman to come into his house without the least bit of hindrance, and forced him to stay with him as much as possible for them to study.

By the time Rabbanit passed way, I had been completely immersed in Baal HaSulam's teaching and Rabash's articles for more than five years. One day Rav Baruch let me into his house. This was because, according to the law of root and branch, he could not remain unmarried. Although naturally, he could have chosen from thousands of women.

Rav Laitman: He told me, "She yearns to be close to the Source. In either case, we cannot find anyone else, and so this woman will be my wife."

Feiga: When Rabbanit passed away, it turned out that I entered his house. Rebbe's family did not understand his decision. They wanted him to choose a woman in her seventies, from respected circles, and not a forty year old with a child.

It should be noted that I had been pestering him for four years or so. I gave up my practice, left the doctors trade union and attended Rabbanit. I did it industriously, with an honest effort so that Rav Baruch and Rav Laitman could travel to Tiberias as well as leave the house for four hours every day, when Rav secluded himself and walked on a seaside or was going around his business. During these hours, I took care of Rabbanit, wholly sacrificing, if not my career, then at least, the status of a doctor.

I was simply excited about this. Every morning over five years I had the right to ask Rebbe questions. The wives of his students whom Rav Laitman brought from the Institute of Kabbalah, wrote him notes as well. However, after Rav let them study and meet, they, essentially, lost their interest. Rabash told me, "Now, I can pass everything through you!" He made recordings specifically for that purpose, speaking in a very clear language, and recorded all the answers. Now we had personal notes that addressed women as well. But they practically lost their interest. As a result, today this group is practically non-existent. Each went his own way.

Women, essentially, put together and pull apart. However, thanks to these women who had a desire to know (wives of these students), Rav started writing articles. In other words, this served as a cause. The desire of these women made him reveal details about the inner work.

This is how we found ourselves in Bnei Brak literally within a month. It's funny, but I did not know how to tell a Rav and students apart (all of them were wearing these hats and had these black beards), although I already had access to his house, started to get familiar with the works of Baal HaSulam and ask Rav questions.

It is interesting that Rabash never looked straight into a person's eyes, but always saw everything. I remember when for the first time he told me, "Now I can see your eyes." This happened when he called for me after the death of Rabbanit.

I was left without a job. I wrote to Rav Baruch seeking his council of what I should do. I won the competition for the post of head of the prison psychiatry department. I already received a security pass. This was a terrible feeling. I was so elevated and suddenly had to go back to work. I wrote to him asking for advice. And Rav Baruch Shalom Ashlag invited me through Rav Laitman. The meeting took place at Rav Laitman's home, in the presence of Rav Laitman's wife, Olga.

Rav Laitman: This was very extraordinary. You got engaged at my house, in my living room.

Feiga: I arrived there and he told me: "You write that you have certain abilities, and that you do not want to serve mental patients. What about just one? Just one, including Saturdays, do you consent?" Well, I said what I always believed that "the wretched are taken from the waste." What can I say? I'm happy. Although, in reality, this was in the air for many years.

Afterwards, Rabash announced the news at home and in the synagogue. This was very brave of him. It finalized all of his actions starting from his seventies up to his passing away.

Now I want to talk about this period of Rav Baruch's activity. This is the time when he accepted Rav Laitman as his disciple. He let him into his home. He opened his synagogue to a group of people who were very far from religion, but who were searching for the truth. It is this period that I want to discuss now.

From the age fifty to seventy, Rav Baruch was completing his spiritual development after Baal HaSulam passed away. We do not know about it and do not talk about it. However, judging by his diary that was preserved, one could see that it took him many years to break free from a certain dependency on his father, Baal HaSulam, and finish his individual spiritual development. Then he had to resolve to a very brave act - to accept people as disciples who were very distant from the Torah. They were attending seminars on Kabbalah, yet did not study the Torah.

The Creator brought Rav Laitman to him even before that. I'm convinced that it is not Rav Laitman who came to Rabash. Rather, Rabash was ready, had a need to pass on everything he had accumulated and received from the mouth of Baal HaSulam - the information that he did not convey or record in the past. Baal HaSulam gave Rabash permission to record his words, for he knew that this is the end of the chain of transferring Kabbalistic knowledge from the Teacher directly to a disciple, "from mouth to mouth."

Baal HaSulam ordered Rabash to burn his personal notes. However, in the course of thirty years, he allowed Rav Baruch to record him. This is unique material, because the process of the inner work is conveyed "from mouth to mouth". No one had ever before been permitted to write this information down. Meanwhile, we have retained many notes on Baal HaSulam's observations and statements that Rav Baruch accumulated being his son and devoted student.

By the time he turned seventy, Rav Baruch was ready to reveal and pass on all of that. In the 1970's he felt that the time had come to prepare the grounds for the full revelation (of Kabbalah) that, according to the sources, had to start in 1995. Twenty five years of preparation, descriptions of the finest details of the spiritual work's preliminary stage - all of that was needed for the mass revelation of Kabbalah to begin in 1995. They as though relate to the preparation stage for the revelation of the wisdom, but at the same time they correspond to the highest levels and stages of human development.

Shamati and Rebbe's articles suit the entry-level students as well, however, as you evolve, you will see their infinite depth. No matter no much you grow, each time you will be at the new entry level. Now, I relate to these articles as to an endlessly deep source. They fit all the levels.

Naturally, Rav Baruch suffered from certain language barriers. Since the entire science about the eternal soul is evolving, passed on, and renewed, Rav Baruch felt that the means of conveying knowledge to contemporary generation have to be renewed as well.

We would not be able to understand Baal HaSulam. However, on the junction between him and us stood Rabash. He explained and simplified Baal HaSulam, and created a language that is able to reach one's heart. But between Rabash and the new generation had to appear someone else as well, a person to whom everything had to be transferred, so that he could further develop the technique of transmission.

The attainments per se cannot be transmitted, only the ways of attainment the property of bestowal can. This is what the righteous men transmit to us. Thus, one could study their books without fear. Each will take as much as he needs to reach correction.

When Rav Baruch reached a point when he wanted to transmit his knowledge, he discovered that there was no one to pass it onto. And so this he who "attracted" Rav Laitman, who "simply turned left at the intersection and drove to the house opposite to plantation." He could have turned to another side.

Many studied with Rav Baruch. However, there was only one person whom he taught so purposefully and individually - Rav Laitman - brought to him by the Creator.

When we arrived at Bnei Brak, we found a group that was already united, a sort of commune. Rav Laitman was very proud that everybody was together. But, all the same, with time, I saw that it was not exactly so.

Now I understand that Rav Baruch did not have in mind the unification of the group or the preparation of great wise men. He needed a group to at least take their desires and elevate into the upper world the contemporary generation's need for the spiritual.

He was so hungry for questions and always sought to receive them. Three months before our wedding, he used to call me every day and ask for fifteen minutes: "Do you have any questions?" I was stressed because many opposed our union. And I was so shy that I could not ask anything.

I understood that for him, the questions mean life. He collected questions, pains, and problems. Interestingly, he asked Rav Laitman to find out all the details about everybody through his wife, Olga. He wanted to know what occupies the hearts of contemporary men, who were so distant from him. Rav Laitman reported to him about every detail of forty people's lives. Rabash used stand on a porch and listen to Rav Laitman who whispered into his ear for hours.

He absorbed all of that and then began a tremendous job - writing articles. He clearly resolved on circulation. Many did not understand this back them, thinking that this circulation was aimed at this particular small group. No new people were coming in. Rav Laitman brought forty people, and that was it.

Rabash gave them a lot of love and patience. He used to say: "I treat them with silk gloves. I relate to them as to children." Everything was done to express to these particular people that which would let them choose between truth and evil, between faith and knowledge, to help them. Not just to these forty particular people, but though them to all the rest of humanity. Rav Laitman no longer wrote books anymore, after the one that brought me in.

The final action of Rav Baruch was very powerful, by which he put himself under a lot of difficulty: He took me home, as the female part of his new path. He evidently needed this in order to fully understand the needs of the last generation. In doing so, he completed his coming out to the generation. Rav Laitman was at home on a regular basis. What he encountered in my image probably surprised him a lot.

Here is an example - the Persian Gulf war. Rabash behaves as usual. Meanwhile, I'm overwhelmed with anxiety. He says nothing. At the same time, he as though expects that I would also behave as usual. He cannot understand the level of my anxiety. He does not understand how it can be that a person who believes in the Creator, who asserts her contact with Him, can have such a level of anxiety. But apparently, being right by the side of a Kabbalist as a human being, you lose the last crumbs of strength and faith. I think that Rav Baruch never fully understood my inability to have faith in the Creator.

People love talking about miracles performed by Kabbalists. If Rav Baruch did something, he did it very secretly. However as a woman with a keen eye, I noticed how at times Rabash unexpectedly got skinny with a robe hanging on him, his hair turning yellow. Later I realized that this happens during a very strong plead for people. He, essentially, used to lose up to ten kilograms of weight.

This is why he took care of his weight: "I keep my eighty kilos." That is, by his height he should have weighted seventy kilos, but he stored up ten more kilos for future use. Once I saw how he prayed, when he was by himself. It was such a flow of energy! I cried out of fear, although I don't understand why.

He did everything in secret. He was an elderly good friend, a reliable, nice person. However, one could not simply chat with him. I either had to listen to what he talked about after his lessons, to simply stand there as if I was rooted in the ground, and listen to him. Meanwhile, I would think: "Cabbage is on the stove." Then I would think: "I should probably take notes." Or we had a meal together.

He did everything very quickly. Straight to the point. There were no empty chats. Sometimes, he would ask my opinion. I answered, and he would say: "Yes, you did him good. A wife knows how to critique. She is good at that. But it is hard for a wife to be a disciple."

Rav Laitman: In general, it was very difficult to be his student.

Feiga: At two thirty in the morning they already met at the synagogue below, Rav Baruch Shalom, the students, and Rav Laitman, who had to be there first since he attended to Rav and was literally his right hand. He had to prepare everything. Rav Laitman was responsible for everything, much like a son. As Rav Baruch was for Baal HaSulam, so was Rav Laitman for Rav Baruch. Although Rav Baruch had many more willing men to choose from. He could have chosen others. All of them were ready to do anything at all.

Rav Laitman: The only thing that I always had trouble with was to accompany him to the weddings.

Feiga: Weddings were real torments for him as well. He would come after a wedding and tell me: "I sat there for three hours, and there was no one to exchange the word." Three hours - to concentrate on himself in such a noise! Coming home after some weddings, he used to dance in a hallway. He showed me: "This is how Baal HaSulam danced. Sang and danced." And so he would dance at 12:30am, afterwards go to study, and went to bed at 1am. At 2:30am he was already at the lesson.

Until he turned seventy, he ate mostly oranges and bread with onion. After seventy, he started to eat meat to replenish his energy. Sometimes he would come home at 10pm and say: "What a difficult lesson! They asked such questions even after so many years of study!" He used to come home at night, and ate meat after that.

In terms of a daily schedule, he used to come home at 7am, ate a pretty hefty meal, then studied. Well, sometimes he would lie down, just for two or three minutes, yet he did not sleep, but rather, did something. He used to lie down when he wanted to escape from everyone for awhile. The only thing that he said in my favor was "You do not disturb me." With all my "I", he felt that I nevertheless did not disturb him. This was already an achievement. And then at 7:30am he sat down and sang Talmud Eser Sefirot for one and a half hours. He sat there, rocked himself to and fro and sang Talmud Eser Sefirot each day. Later, from 9am till noon they went away. By the way, Rav Laitman used to come back at 12-12:30pm completely exhausted.

Meanwhile, Rav Baruch Shalom was as fresh as a daisy and dragged Rav Laitman into his room to study. He would say: "Come, let's snatch for the holiness!" Rav Laitman followed him with his last ounce of strength, and Rav would continue: "Well, you would leave me, if you had a choice" - and they would study.

After that, Rav Baruch ate for ten minutes, rested for ten minutes, set the alarm for ten minutes and was up in five. He then went into his room to write an article or type until four. Occasionally, he took a nap on a bookholder.

In his younger years, he used to study until 6pm. He would place his feet into cold water so as to not fall asleep. But here, he studied until four. From 4:30 they went to study with the group. Rav Laitman also had to go there, and the work went on until 10pm. This is the kind of life he had.

Question: Feiga, were these notes preserved?

Feiga: By the time I came into the house as a wife (I attended to an ailing Rabbanit for over four years in that house) I saw that there were lots of materials. But at some point, very few of them were still there. I do not know who he gave them to, maybe to Rav Laitman.

Rav Laitman: I have a small part of the materials. Rabash burned most of his notes.

Feiga: Rabash used to look through the notes each Passover. Once, he took out a box so that I would see where this material was. I related to this material with a big tremor. For example, I never even opened the Shamati notebook. I had a great sense of respect. All of a sudden, where there were once piles of materials, only some small part remained.

I nevertheless want to say that Rabash left because our spiritual needs had drained. We had nothing to add. We had nothing to ask him - we all fell, putting our hopes into him. We had every opportunity ready-made for us. There were no illnesses, no problems, only complaints about lack of money. But in general, nothing bad happened during all these years. And we got so used to it, that we had nothing to ask. This is how I felt. A month before Rav left...

Rav Laitman: It was some kind of total indifference. As if some cloud descended from above and covered absolutely everybody, like narcosis, or something like that.

Feiga: In the 70's and 80's excitement was in the air and suddenly, in 1990, compete calm. One could feel this very strongly. Rav Baruch took this very hard, because he used to get charged by this. When there were questions, search, he was completely different. Coming home after the lesson, he could develop interesting questions further. And here, everything disappeared. Emptiness. People came only with their material problems. I used to say: "Rav, what is happening? Why are they torturing you?" Nobody asked "Where is the Creator? Where is our love for Him? Where is our progress?" Not a single question was related to the spiritual. There were no more notes. Before, women sent him piles of notes. I was totally down. Once he told me: "Sit down. I will explain Talmud Eser Sefirot in half an hour." I replied: "Not now, in half an hour."

I want to appeal to people: "Do not repeat these mistakes! Today, there is no time to say 'later'. If the Creator gives you an opportunity to get a hold of something, you must do it urgently! Today, we cannot leave anything for 'tomorrow'". Today everything comes to a single point!" I wept over that reply of mine and my pettiness for many years. God forbid, you will have to weep for centuries.

Today we should take a firm hold of the thread of redemption - the teaching of Baal HaSulam. It completes and gives us all of the Torah, from Adam HaRishon (the First Man) until our days. The teaching was passed onto us by Baruch Shalom, who made sure that it would fall into the hands of the person fit to convey the finest, inner part of the science of Kabbalah needed for elevation - spiritual and material.

This person is Rav Michael Laitman.

I think that three miracles, three things happened to us that did not correspond to the law of cause-and-effect. As it were, we do not deserve it! A "miracle" is something that does not come from our merit and virtue. This is beyond cause-and-effect.

The first miracle was the disclosure of Baal HaSulam. Second was that his son was capable of becoming his student and "receiver" and that Baal HaSulam managed to transmit the method to him. And the third miracle is that the Creator gave Rav Baruch an opportunity to pass on his knowledge to someone - to Rav Laitman.

This is the third miracle. Naturally, I do not put them all into the same line. In general, it is not customary to compare the degrees of the righteous men. This is not what I'm talking about.

What is transmitted is the method. The teacher or a Kabbalist is the level of light grasped by a student who can transmit it further. The students have to grasp this clothing - the light. They do this through their behavior and studies.