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The Best Time To Have Children


You're never ready enough to have children and you can always finds excuses. If one looks at the question of when to have children in terms of financial readiness then one is looking at the issue from the position of compensations rather than love. If you have something to give from your heart, it's enough. Other potential parents are so consumed with personal pursuits that they choose not to have children because they don't want to share their lives. But people must rise above the ego that's destroying families otherwise powerful blows will come. Nature is an absolute and is never wrong. Whenever children come in a natural way is when they should be born. Nature's aim is to optimize humanity and she is always stronger and smarter.


TV Program with Dr. Michael Laitman
"20 Ideas"

"The Best Time to Have Children"

With participation of Rodina Deratus-Shamailov

June 29, 2009
New York

Rodina Deratus-Shamailov: I'm at a point in my life where I have a lot of friends; we're all married and now they're all having children, every single one of them. It's like an epidemic all of a sudden. And now they're encouraging me to have a child.

Dr. Michael Laitman: Why do you think it's an epidemic?

Rodina Deratus-Shamailov: I don't know. It seems like they were...

Dr. Michael Laitman: So you're repelled by it?

Rodina Deratus-Shamailov: I'm not repelled, it's lovely. I think it's beautiful that they're deciding to expand their family. However, I don't feel that I'm ready. I mean, I don't have everything settled down yet, I don't feel that I could possibly afford to have a child or... I have a lot of excuses, pretty much.

Dr. Michael Laitman: First of all, your life is your own life, and you can do what you think is right. But you need to think not from the perspective of your current egoistic perspective that you have today, but look a little bit ahead, because there are things in the world that we can do today or not do, and then later either regret it or be happy about it in the future, about what we did or didn't do.

You need to look at it from that perspective. If now, say, I'm twenty-five or thirty, and I postpone expanding the family by about ten years or so, what will I think when I'm forty or fifty or sixty, etc.? So you need to calculate here, because life isn't just my life today, that I'm going to have fun today. Maybe tomorrow, because of today, I will pay a kind of...I'll be punished, kind of, by life. So it's worth thinking about tomorrow, even today. I think that in the end it's never... You're never ready. We can always find excuses for not doing something.

But when the kids arrive, they build the parents. We can never know what it means to be a parent until we actually have children. I understand it's hard; I myself went through these stages. But without it there is no existence. We can't go against nature.

There are people who decide to not have children. They're so selfish that they don't want to share. That's basically it, they don't want to share their life; "my life belongs only to me. To my children too? No way! To someone else, to a stranger, a spouse? No! Friends I'll have, this or that, boyfriends, girlfriends, whatever, but that's it."

And we see that our egos that have grown over history have brought us to make these decisions. They don't need anyone. Today everything is arranged that way in life. You have everything. You've got the ready-made food in the stores and you've got all the services. But if you look at a broader or longer perspective, you see that that's not a purpose. If we go against nature, at some point we'll suffer, because nature forces us.

In the next generation, the ego will grow to such an extent, probably, that there will be no families at all and no kids at all, just like in Europe, for example. People decided not to have children, like you're saying. What's going to happen next? Well, then we'll probably have to go through terrible blows and terrible suffering.

So we have to decide that at the end of the day, yes, we do have to have families. And then people won't have a solution except to rise above the ego. Because I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids, I don't want to take any commitments, to make any commitments; I just want to be a big boy, a child, and that's it.

I think that humanity will be in a far worse crisis than today, and then people will decide that they have to rise above the ego that's destroying them, that's destroying the families. It puts an end to the progress of our civilization. And then they will find a way to rise above the ego, to know how to connect to others-a guy with a girl-in order to have children who will even further connect them; and I'm hopeful that it'll happen soon.

Then people will see that in the right kind of connection between us, when we annul the ego and rise above it and connect above it, that there is an attainment of a huge pleasure about doing that. And then you won't have a question of not or what to do with life, what to do with children. You will naturally want to give more and more. So you'll want children, because to whom can we give our lives? Of course, to our children.

Rodina Deratus-Shamailov: That's exactly it. You said that people are too egoistic these days to have children, to devote themselves to something other than themselves. However, I think I'm far too conceited and far too self-important not to have children, I just don't want to have them now. I mean, you answered my question by saying that I have to decide for myself and perhaps do it sooner than later, but...

Dr. Michael Laitman: What are you gaining by putting it off? It's also a type of egoism. "Maybe not that big," you think. "Yeah, in five years time, maybe ten years, I'll do it." But your kids don't need you to be rich. You can give them a shoebox to play with instead of a toy, children don't know the difference.

Children feel the warmth of the mother and father, that's how they grow. They grow from the heart, from the emotions, from the good attitude. They don't grow because of a huge home with ten rooms or whatever, and toys that you buy for them that you think are so sophisticated. They don't understand that. They don't.

If you have something to give from your heart, it's enough. From that people grow and that's what makes them happy. So if you look at the simple way, in a simple way at life, then the calculation is very easy. Everyone should have children, and to feel what it means and the joy that it brings.

Rodina Deratus-Shamailov: Well, you know, we humans, we like to complicate things. We like to make it harder and come up with reasons. I mean, I can remember when I was a child, I have distinct memories of my parents saying, "We don't have enough for this and we don't have enough for that. We can't do this and we can't do that."

And I was very, very conscious of this, the fact that my parents couldn't afford to have me. Is there a fundamental change in values that needs to occur so that all that we need to do is give love to our children and show them...?

Dr. Michael Laitman: I think if you don't give love and instead you want to give all kinds of compensations, then of course whatever you give will not be enough. But if you can give love in the right way, in the right place, a child will not feel deficient in any way. I'm certain of that.

Besides, I think that... You know, it's natural, we have to learn from nature; nature is never wrong. Nature is an absolute. If, in a natural way when we connect, yes? When people connect, they get married... Whenever children come in a natural way, that's when they should come, because nature is building it in the optimal way.

Not me with my intellect and my sophistications, because of this or that trend or whatever. It's best if it comes out naturally. Nature is always stronger and smarter. We can see that the more we advance, we ourselves only corrupt; so you want to let nature do its thing.


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